Conversation Starters
If you need some help to break the ice, here are six questions to shed light on one another’s financial values, identify potential differences that should be addressed and, ideally, preempt the kinds of issues that can lead to both financial and relationship turmoil:
1. If you received a gift of $10,000 tomorrow, how would you spend it? Sure, it’s an unlikely scenario, but by comparing your answers with your partner’s, you’ll get a sense of each other’s money personalities and how you may need to negotiate on shared and disparate financial goals. Say your partner wants to invest their hypothetical windfall in the stock market while you’d prefer to splurge on a big trip. Maybe you split it and each use half for your own goal, or maybe you decide to invest it all now, with the intent to spend your returns on a trip in the future.
There is no right answer. The point is to get you talking about how you each think about money individually, and how you might handle it together.
2. Do you have any financial obligations I should know about? If you’ve been guarded about money matters up to this point, this one may make you both a bit uncomfortable. But when it comes to debts (e.g., student loans and/or credit cards) or family obligations (e.g., financial responsibility for an ill parent), honesty is the way to go. Remember, there’s no shame in carrying some debt, as long as you have a realistic and strategic plan to pay it down. If your partner is evasive, defensive or unconcerned about their debt or other obligations, you might wonder what they are not telling you.
3. What’s your money DNA? In other words, how did your parents, guardians or other role models deal with money issues? Was money a source of stress and family fights, or was it rarely discussed at all? Often our upbringing colors our relationship with money, so it makes sense to understand what sort of financial baggage you and your significant other bring to the relationship.
For instance, if your parents made missteps that led to significant financial losses, you may bristle if your partner is a carefree spender—not necessarily because they are spending beyond their means but because it sets off your fear response. One way to work through such a difference: Agree to check in with each other before buying any big-ticket items above a predetermined amount. On the other hand, your conservative approach to spending may mean you’re reluctant to splurge on a night out or vacation. Can your partner live with that long-term? By getting these issues out in the open, you can pinpoint areas that may require compromise and tailor your expectations and actions accordingly.
4. How do you envision dividing household expenses, and who is going to be responsible for financial housekeeping? Whether you set up joint checking and savings accounts, maintain separate accounts or go with a combination of the two is up to you. But you should discuss that decision early and agree on how much of your income you will each contribute to joint expenses. You should also be clear about who will be responsible for tasks such as paying bills and managing the budget. Whether you want to divide these according to your individual strengths or assign them to one partner, make sure everything is covered and that you’re both comfortable with the division of labor.
5. What would you think of a prenuptial agreement (or prenup), assuming marriage is on the table? Prenups still carry a stigma; many think they’re only for the ultra-wealthy or those in shaky relationships. But prenups aren’t just for celebrities—and while no newly committed couple wants to think about divorce, it’s better to plan for this common scenario than to be caught unprepared.
Particularly if one of you brings significant assets to the relationship or there is a major disparity in your incomes, a prenup can be a good idea. Even if not, it might make sense to have this document in place. Divorce is messy enough without legal battles over money.
6. What are your goals for the next five to 10 years? The next 20 to 30? Do you or your partner envision a career change or relocation in the near future? Do you plan to get married and have children at some point? If so, will one of you stay home to raise the kids while the other works outside the home? If you both work, how will you cover the costs of childcare? While events like these may be a long way down the road, it’s never too early to start planning for them and to make sure you’re both on the same page. Believe it or not, retirement plans are also worth discussing, as these long-term goals affect how you save and spend your money now.
